Abstinence from Porn

It is amazing how so many men in general are colonised by porn.

A friend of mine (who does not watch porn) told me about a recent sexual encounter of his, with another gorgeous younger man. This younger man, in his early 20s, was unable to reach orgasm with the conventional, lovingly hot sex they were having, and then later confessed, "Well... I really need to watch porn in order to cum."

As Marnia Robinson has reflected (her husband's thoughts) about it in her piece on Sexual Superabundance:
"an Internet user can see more hot babes (or whatever gets him going) in an afternoon than his ancestors saw in a lifetime."

This level of habituation to such a myriad of partners means that many consumers of porn are gaining HAREMS of sexual partners in their minds, and then losing the capacity to experience fulfillment with even just one...

Now I am not against multiple sexual partnerships per se, but the incapacity to be present with a single partner seems like a sorry place to begin one's forays into multiple ones... I am thus not 'anti-porn' in the sense of wanting to ban it or destroy it, similarly to how I am not anti-sugar... However, there is something a little bit sinister, for example, about the globalisation of high-sugar Coca-Cola (and the concurrent obesity-anorexia pandemic), just as it is with pornographic colonisation of our minds with high-speed internet access...

(incidentally, for an exploration of 'sexual anorexia' metaphor as pertaining to porn consumption, check out a link to this New York magazine article, "He's Just Not That Into Anyone"...)


Anti-porn, Pro-porn

I think we need to be more critical about how the ways we consume sexual imagery can and DO impact how we relate to others in real life. It is also pitiful that the debate on porn (to the extent that the average person is engaged in any debate about it at all) is polarised into the 'anti-sex/anti-porn' and the 'pro-sex/pro-porn' camps. While I recognise that these are but straw-people whose arguments against or in favour of porn are far more complex than my diluted reflections would indicate, I still think it is helpful to paint these broad brushstrokes to understand why I take the position I do (my attempted "Middle Way" view).

Anti-porn arguments are varied, of course, but, at their best, typically include feminist and anti-colonial objections to how the structure of the industry as it stands typically degrades and humiliates women (and men/women of colour). For a multi-billion dollar global industry, it is disproportionately owned and run by (white) men who control female labour (and that of workers of colour). Men do the hiring, men control the cameras, and men make up the bulk of porn's consumer base. Then, of course, there are the equally important criticisms of the contents of pornographic imagery, which disproportionately fetishise depictions of the subjugation and humiliation of women, the exoticism of people of colour, phallocentrism, and the privileging of male ejaculatory orgasm (as the 'culmination' of sexual interactions). These are, of course, important criticisms of porn, but these are but limited criticisms, as I will explore in a moment, and in future posts.

Sex-positive pro-porn arguments, at their best, tend to defend porn as a medium of sexual expression, arguing that while the porn industry may be, currently, disproportionately run by men in exploitation of women's bodies, this patriarchal structure is certainly not LIMITED to the porn industry, nor is it ubiquitous in ALL visual depictions of graphic sexuality for the purpose of titillation (which, for now, is my working definition of pornography). Indeed, there are plenty of far more egalitarian gay and queer porn, as well as women-owned pornographic enterprises. There is also the democratisation of pornography, to wrest it away from big producers into the hands of 'amateurs' who simply want to document their sex lives and post reflections of their fragmented exhilarations on sites like XTube. There are some ways that porn can be and has been used to assist in the exploration of sexuality for 'average' people with 'average' bodies, for people with non-normative bodies, and people with marginalised or non-normative sexual expressions. For both reclaimant producers, as well as renegade consumers, porn may well be very empowering in these ways.

To a limited extent, I would agree with both these basic (Marxist-feminist) anti-porn critiques, as well as these (queer, sex-positive) pro-porn stances. However, they are still both limited in that they focus disproportionately either on abolition or on reclamation of the pornographic enterprise (these days, arguments tend to veer toward reclamation), or else the arguments that I have delineated are primarily about "Western" or Euro-centric pornography, which is most of the porn that I have consumed (I include ALL porn that is accessible in the "West" in this delineation, including Asian porn featuring Asian bodies, as they have been made available through the filters of my liberal democratic nation-state's internet providers). We need to consider on more morally-neutral, and even compassionate ground, the correlation between pornography and Addiction.

In other words, while I see porn (particularly mainstream, heterosexual porn), especially problematic as an institution of cultural production, and while I simultaneously ALSO believe there may be a value in exploring our own desires through the use of porn (thank you basic psychoanalytic theory), the fact of the matter is that these considerations and introspections are not typically encouraged by porn producers. Indeed, it is in their very best interests to discourage the studious or mindful engagement with porn, either during, or retrospectively, for this would surely undermine pornography's basic project: To Increase Desire.


Intimacy

This sort of dualism, of having to 'pick' between anti-porn and pro-porn stances in the consideration of how or whether to consume porn, does no justice to the reality of the complexity of the relationship between consumer and product. To put it another way, I am not so much anti-porn or pro-porn, as I am pro-intimacy.

From a Buddhist perspective then, pornography is de facto problematic, in that it is constructed to capitalise not only on our existing desires, but also to produce more desire, with the neuro-biological and social consequences of building up levels of insatiability. We can be hooked onto a computer screen or magazine, not only without ever having to interact with the human beings who facilitate the arising of our desires, but also by actively severing the link between sexual desire and interpersonal communication/physical touch.

This is a truly unfortunate amputation.

For me, anyway, part of the joy of sex lies in the pleasure of mutuality, of the bonds that come from gaining familiarity with another's sexual Being (through speech, touch, and the cadences of relationship), who in turn practices reciprocity and learns the naunces of our own libidinal waves... The oxytocinic nature of interpersonal sexual bliss. There is a sublime quality to this process of mutual education (learning and teaching by doing) that is cut off when we distill the sexual encounter to more dopaminergic drives (the encouragement, as porn does, of novelty rather than familiarity, distance rather than closeness, and the laziness of No-Relation rather than the hard work of Relationship (no matter its form; casual, romantic, short-term, or long)).

For more information on the neurochemical underpinnings of this, check out Marnia Robinson's writing
Porn and Perception: Is Your Limbic Brain Distorting Your Vision?

To those who may pick up on a hint of sex-negativity behind my rejection of porn, I will link you to an article I wrote back in university on Phone Sex, which stresses the sublime-ness of interpersonal sexuality, even without direct physical contact. I want to reiterate: I am not against Simulacral Reality; but I am intentionally stressing the hierarchical nature of sexual development. Porn is a sort of 'base' sexual pleasure. Not 'wrong' (once again, not a moral judgement), just a less sophisticated way of engaging our sexual selfhood.

I'll probably write a future critique of Marnia Robinson's uncritical acceptance of monogamy- and hetero-normative views in the structure of her own critique of pornography, but for now, her insights into the neuro-chemical bases for porn's contribution to sexual disharmony and disequilibrium are pretty sound, in my opinion.

In my own experience, my consumption of porn in my life has compromised my capacity to be intimate with a man... I begin to compare what I am doing with someone in person with what I've seen in porn... Which may not be bad, as far as demonstrably loving depictions of sex may go, but becomes particularly problematic given the 'escalating' nature of pornography (as sexual-methodology) normalises mindlessness and diversity over one-pointed concentration and remaining present with your partner(s). The longer I go without watching and getting off to porn, the more free I feel to be in the Flow of the What Is of partnership.

I love myself more, my own body is beautiful; Men around me are more radiant. My energy levels are up. I do not automatically leap to the sexualisation of all men I meet in person, and instead feel freer, energetically, to simply 'play' with my interactions in real life. I am more harmlessly flirtatious (rather than lost in self-recriminations for not being hot enough). I feel more sensitive to my partners' pleasures. I slowly wean myself off of other addictive behaviours, other sexual compulsions. My heart is more open. My capacity to love another is deepened.


Final Iterations

I have no intention of ever advocating for banning pornography or judging others (in a moral sense) for using it. In a sense, I see porn in a similar way to drugs... It can enable pleasure, and insight, but not without negative consequences, and it certainly need not be the exclusive or primary catalyst for these pleasures and insights. I personally am opting for an abstinent approach (difficult as this is, and relapses do happen), but I honestly think that we need to, particularly within self-professed 'liberal' spaces, start considering a harm reduction approach to the use of porn, one which does not simply assume a consequence-less-ness to its use, or an uncritical acceptance of its sex-positive qualities.

The more aware we are of the ways we have been conditioned by sex-repression AND by its reactionary sex-positive expressions, the more we can decolonise ourselves from the false advertising that is pornography.

Reach out and touch somebody, and allow ourselves to be so touched in return.