Revisiting writing on here again. Trying again, for daily.
It has been about 20 days since my last alcoholic drink.
I am considering giving up drinking alcohol, entirely.
Not quite there yet... I still sense that I will miss things about it.
But I am also aware, as I get older, that I have less and less need for it. And when I do have it, the great times that I have while drunk seem to pass me by that much more quickly, and the hangovers that much more severe. The net sense of it is loss. What am I chasing?
By choosing to give up alcohol, I am not necessarily trying to say that I prefer to "be in control", although that is certainly a part of my motive. It is more that I am interesting in cultivating a consciousness that is more sensitive about control, more discerning about when to keep my guard up or relax it. I am interested in seeing what it means to live less anxiously, without reliance on substances.
I remember a night, a few years ago, when I was living in Sydney... I went out with some friends to a queer party. I had had a somewhat diligent, regular daily meditation at the time, and I had become a little bit enamoured with my increasing capacity to hold steady concentration (on breath) for extended periods of time. Excited to experiment, I wanted to bring this sensitivity to a dance party, and opt to avoid alcohol to see if I could experience the night with nuance.
My drug of choice that evening was an energy drink of some kind. So just caffeine.
I remember feeling anxious and nervous... My usual flood of fearful thoughts, of being Asian at a predominantly white queer party, of being undesireable, of my own reactionary stand-off-ish-ness, etc.
These thoughts came and went... I found my body electrified by the music.
I danced, and danced, the entire party, I danced, until it ended at around 4am.
I was sweating, tons.
It was one of the best party nights of my life. The fear left me sometime after I started bobbing my head and swinging my arms...
It was a lesson in humility and release.